What am I thankful for

It is Canadian Thanksgiving day. I had it yesterday and it was awesome. But it brings to mind what you are thankful for.

What am I thankful for Thanksgiving

Why it is hard to be thankful

I am having a difficult time with chronic pain Plus vertigo. I am exhausted all the time. I need at least two extended rest periods of napping a day to get through. Even with medication, I feel so unwell. I blog first thing in the day when I can still have the brains for it, otherwise, it is just moosh. Pudding brain. I don’t understand what is going on. My insurance company will not pay without definitive proof from their own specialist… keep in mind that battle has been going on since last November. I am very stressed about finances… since I have sub-zero money. I can’t do much in the day which makes me bored and out of sorts. All the rest makes my fibromyalgia flare up, so that has been hurting me a lot.

*End Rant*

So what AM I thankful for?

I am thankful the depression is being treated

Without that, I would be severely depressed right now. I would have forced myself to return to work… but this time I literally can’t even do that. So I would be profoundly depressed at our finances, the lack of control over the insurance company, and the lack of control over these unpredictable downturns in health. I mean this has hit me hard. But not a pit of despair and actively suicidal hard. So I am so very thankful the deep, dark depression is managed. And all I have to deal with now, is the actual melancholy and sadness that comes with all the stress of all this.

I am thankful I seem to have grown more resiliency

In the past when I encounter these downturns and I cannot see a way out financially or with work. I just curl up into a ball and refuse to make decisions at all. I give up. My body is overwhelmed and I just shut down. And sleep a lot. And lose weight. And nothing changes and I feel a great profound fear that I will never escape my problems.

Now I understand the seriousness of the problems. a) Managing debt that has accrued from insurance company refusing to pay for this leave and last two leaves b) Massive financial stress paying bills to live. b) Lower functionality in my health causing me a lot of inner turmoil. And yet, I plan. I do a lot of things hoping something will help. I applied for CPP. I applied for short term and I will continue to fight them on this because it is such a blatant problem. I applied for medical EI which got me through for a little bit. I feel like I can conquer all these problems one by one with various plans of action. It will take time. But I think it is possible.

I understand I may not get better

I am thankful for this new inner strength. But I have this feeling even if I don’t I will Persevere and Endure. And I will adapt to this new normal. I feel an inner strength about it. Like, I have been through mental and emotional suffering that nearly killed me… so I can survive this. I feel this comes from starting to recover the self-worth that was obliterated from working with unmanaged pain. And also beginning to develop a sense of self and self-identity not dependant on what I can and cannot do. And focusing on what I can do.

I am immensely thankful for my family

My mom especially is my main support. And she helps me in so many ways. And wish with all my heard someday I can pay her off in some way. Return the favour. Something. I love her to pieces because this battle would have crushed me without her strength at my side.

I am thankful I am starting to adapt to this status quo

I have started using a cane when I need it. Never thought I would need a mobility aid at this age and I was adverse to it at first. It made me feel weak. But I am thankful I got the hang of it and understood how it can help me. I am thankful I did some research and found a med to try. And thankful my doctor put me on it. Thankful it helps dull the symptoms for the day. I still can’t function much, but I ‘feel’ better without the intensity of the symptoms making me just crash all day. I have found writing, my passion, is best early in the morning and late at night when I take my sleeping pill (Which also dulls vertigo a bit). So I have not lost my writing which is of vital importance to my sense of self. I have lost reading which I was an avid couple book a week person- I can read, just slowly and for very short periods of time. And that does count for something. I am starting to adapt to my new limitations. I will socialize, and when I do, I wait to take my meds until it is time to go… so I can actually be upright and talk and communicate and have fun. I know how important this is for mood- socializing with actual people and leaving the actual house.

Yes, even though this has been very difficult for me because I can do so little. And because I constantly feel like I am in a fun house. And it is so hard to think. Even with my existence changing so much in an instant I am very thankful I am handling it better than I ever have before. Maybe it is just that I finally learned some well-developed coping strategies. Either way, I am aware it has not been that way in the past. Adversity can ruin and break me sometimes. But not this time.

Other posts I have been thinking about recently

Chronic illness and resiliency

Chronic illness: our sense of self

Chronic illness and self-identity

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