If you get migraines, I know you know this. They do not let you cry. Or you will get a migraine. They do not let you cry in pain. Or the migraine gets worse.
And I am not my of a crier anyway. I bottle it up. But today I cried. A lot. So very much because I lost of cat Franky.
It was time to euthanize Franky due to his renal failure, pain, and extreme anxiety. He was ready. I wasn’t. I thought I wanted to give him the best life, the most snuggles, as I knew his end of life was coming. I just wanted to give him the most love I could. But he was declining. And things were really upsetting him. And he hid most of the time. He stopped grooming himself. I began to see these signs he was suffering too much. Too much for a kitten to bear. He was so thin in the end and the vet said that would get even worse if we tried to stave off his illness for a little bit. He weighted only a few pounds. And he was a big cat. Used to weigh 16 pounds and the vet said because of his large structure it was a perfectly healthy weight for him. Seeing him so frail was very difficult. Then the decline from there. I knew it was time.
My beutiful frankafluf was 16 years old. I realized I couldn’t hold onto him anymore. That doing so would be because I didn’t want to lose him and not for his benifit. And as responsible pet owners we have to know when it is time.
But it broke my heart.
I cried a lot when I made the decision. Thinking of his death upset me so much.
I cried the moment I started talking to the vet… to make sure it was the right choice for him. And I cried when I agreed. And I held him. And snuggled him and kept him calm until they sedated him. Then I pet him gently and told him loving things. Then they euthanized him with the final shot. And it was over so quickly. I just cried and cried. Thankfully my mom was with me for emotional support because this was the hardest damn thing I have ever done.
I know it was the right thing to do. I know that. But it doesn’t stop my heart from breaking. Or missing him already. Or knowing I made this choice and I ended his sweet life because of it. And I will never get my Franky snuggles again.
We have no children and never will. So my cats are so very important to me. Snuggling me when I am in pain. The loss hurt. It hurts a lot.
But migraines don’t let you cry. But, oh, I cried. Tearing up again right now. And I got a severe migraine and the vertigo got so much by the time I was home. But, my Frankafur, was worth every single tear. I needed to be there for him in the end. I didn’t want him to die scared. And he definitely deserved my sorrow and my pain… because I love him. And I have to grieve that loss.
Migraines take that away from us. Being able to really cry. And that is a horror really. It is so wrong that it causes us pain to release pain through tears. But we need to feel emotion. We need to feel and deal with emotions for really upsetting things. And Franky deserved my emotions.
I loved him since he was a wee fluffball and I loved him 16 years. And one day, I’ll see him again, I am sure of it.
This is all three of my furballs when we were trying to eat one day. I will have to watch Bobby and Charlie for greiving as well. They know when we are upset. They feel it. And they can grieve the loss of each other when they realize they are never coming back. Charlie was already searching the house. And he kept crawling in the pet carrier and not getting out. I think he knows already. But I don’t think Bobby does yet.