Chronic illness: 2018 Yearly review

So I saw this on TV as a good idea to practice. Do a yearly review of our year at the end of the year. The good. The bad. The ugly. And then the goals you have to resolve some of the issues you have control over. And then at the end of the month before the year set some goals. So that will be a later post. So this is a new exercise for us to try. First review your year around now. Then make goals based on that review at the end of the month.

But you know… it has been a real shit year for me. I don’t want to swear but it was a real mothertrucker. (see what I did there? I swore and then I said I didn’t want to and used a swear substitute. hahaha I amuse myself).

Chronic illness: 2018 Yearly review

So here it goes:

Health

It has been a very bad year for me. It has been a serious struggle with the new vestibular symptoms, the tests and appointments, and finally a medication that modestly helps some days. Just not as functional as I wish I could be. I started using a cane when out of the house due to balance issues and to help me stand… standing is the worst for symptoms. And just constant relentless symptoms. It has been difficult to cope with. I am still struggling with it. Because it is all layered on top of my fibromyalgia pain and chronic migraines. I already have to cope with that and then this? Man, knocked me on my ass, literally sometimes. I keep injuring myself when it causes a real fall instead of that sudden falling sensation that makes you throw out your arms in a panic not to fall. The actual falls are causing some injuries. And that pisses me off.

My insurance company has not paid me a penny since I went off work in November last year. Kept saying there wasn’t enough evidence. And that was even after the ENT appointment. Then I had the VNG test and its severely abnormal results and that didn’t seem to phase them. And they sent me to a neuro for a review of my health because apparently my doc, me, and the ENT are not sufficient. I am drained by this fight with them over something that makes it so hard to just exist. I cannot comprehend their reasoning since this is Short Term I am talking about. People can get on short-term for Stress. So I have no idea what is up with them. But when you need them, they are not there.

But then they finally approved this December, a year after leaving work, due to that neurological review. And now onto the long-term process… sigh. But I am glad for this. Means I can survive financially for a few more months as I try for long-term and CPP disability. One step at a time. But it is all so draining when you feel so cruddy. But that neuro recommended I go off my painkillers. Shocking! Such a typical response and so, therefore, pain is going to get worse for a while. He also recommended a med that I literally tried to kill myself on… so my doc and I are not taking all his recommendations because that would be dangerous and extremely bad for my depression. And there is No way in Hell I am messing with that.

Work/debt

I haven’t been able to work since last year. And I think that frustrates them as much as me. I would love some financial stability but it isn’t to be. So I have to figure out a way to get my debt down to the income I Make and not Made. Which will take a lot of work. So not working always hits you as you try to fill the day. But that is difficult because I have a hard time functioning. So I have been thinking a lot about what I am capable of doing instead of what I just can’t do now. But the guilt of not working and being the cause of all these financial issues gets to you, man. It gets to you. Even when you know it is literally impossible to do at the moment … you just Wish you could Fix the financial problems somehow.

My fluffy furball died

Franky my eldest cat at 16 had to be put down. It was torturous to do and pained me deeply. But I couldn’t let him suffer anymore. I know it is our responsibility to love them and care for them in their old age. And our responsibility to let them go when they are suffering. But Making that choice? Hurt so very much. And I miss him so much.

External stressor

So I am not going to get into this one for various reasons. But let’s just say I was hurt and I am sad by the betrayal of some people. And I am the sort that respects and trust people right of the get-go but when they hurt me… trust is shattered and it is hard to keep get that back if ever. I was stunned and shocked by it. And I have been trying to wrap my head around it and feel something other than this sadness. I am working on it. I wish I was the sort to get enraged or angry and respond to them in kind. But I have this thing where I understand we all make mistakes and we all have issues and motives that we do not always understand. So I forgive. But forgetting doesn’t really happen. Not sure I will trust that person anymore. But this was recently so still feel sucker punched. And the stress of it really is making me feel worse physically. So a fine end to the year.

I mean it was and is a really sucky year all around.

But I have hopes for next year and goals to attain them which I will post about at the end of the year.

The good

The good of this year is that I have acceptance of my illness and my limitations. I understand I have to rest and recover. I understand I have to focus on what I am capable of and what I am not. I have been working on my self-worth. I have been thinking about my self-identity and my sense of self. As well as learning some self-compassion. All progress in coping with my health difficulties. I feel like I am progressing in my acceptance.

I have been able to with meds do some fiction writing and I finished a novel and for that, I am proud given all the spacy cognitive issues… just have to write when my med kicks in the three times it kicks in during the day and before it wears off.

Up until that sucker punch I was coping really well with a resilience, I haven’t had before. And I am glad for that resiliency. As well as the help from my mom to drive me to these infinite appointments and help me financially so I can get by. And my friends have been very supportive during my poor health. Poor-er health I should say. So support has been great.

I am looking forward to Christmas since I have been in such a funk. I could use a nice family gather to boost my mood. And also self-care lately to get me out of this funk. It is hard when you feel so sick to deal with stressors.

I mean that is a lot of suck there. And it is hard to see any good because I am so braindead it all is a blur of dizziness and haze. But at the end of the month, I will get into what I am going to do about all this suck and my goals for the new year. And you have to re-assess things like this from time to time.

So write down your year. The good, the bad, the ugly. And then for the rest of the month ponder goals to improve some of the things that are getting to you and you think you could slowly change in some way.

See other posts:

Chronic pain: Fearing to try and self-worth

Chronic Illness: Our sense of self

Creativity and chronic illness
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8 comments

  1. Mothertrucker is a great word, use that one myself. I’m sorry your year has been so utterly shit. You’ve been through the wringer with so many things, from your health problems, having that neuro recommend a med you tried to kill yourself (ignorant, stupid ‘trucker’), losing your poor Franky (heartbreaking, it was awful when we had to put our dog down and that was years ago but it still hurts, I still miss him), being so let down by people. It’s good to try and find the good things or ‘silver linings’ even if it takes a heck of a lot of effort and maybe squinting your eyes to see them.

    I should probably give this a go too. I feel the year has gone in a blur, I’ve hated most of it, felt it’s been utterly crap and yet the thought of going through it all… maybe that’s what needs to be done. Do you feel that writing all of this out has helped clear your head of some of it, give you a bit of clarity for going into a new year?

    Caz xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It did help. And it is helping me form goals to help with some of it. Always good to reflect a bit on the year to see if you want to make changes in your life. The year sucked. Bad. But I feel next year will be better

      Liked by 1 person

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