Time for the monthly link-up with A Chronic Voice. Here are our prompts:
Just going to say 2018 was one big suckfest of life sucked away by uncontrollable symptoms. I am so done with it. Bring it, 2019. I am ready for you and we Will get things done this year to resolve this.
I am dedicating 2019 to my overall well-being. Which in itself is a large goal but I mean to make small changes that will improve how I cope and live with chronic illness. I have worked hard on how I perceive illness and pain. How to wrap my head around it and how it impacts our lives. And I am in a better mind space because of that. So it is time to tweak things a little and see if I can see improvements in overall quality of life and well-being. Truly focusing on what I am capable of doing and not focussing on what I clearly cannot. 2018 was a suckfest with this vestibular disorder and it made me realize I have a lot of resiliency, getting through this muck and the significantly lower functionality I have. Health ebbs and flows like that though. We have to deal with the downs to get to the ups. And when we are down we have to really focus on our well-being… which is why that is the goal.
In 2019 I will be going to vestibular rehabilitation to help with this vestibular disorder. So I will be establishing a lot of new routines as they take me through various exercises to help adjust my vestibular system. And I look forward to that because it has been rather hellish. And I have this hope they can do something to help. I also hope to establish a new migraine treatment which I have some optimism for. I was recently taken off of my painkiller so I certainly have been establishing routines to deal with all the additional pain intensity… do what you can anyway, maybe it will help, maybe it won’t but you gotta give it a go.
Physically I am not doing well with the pain and the vertigo. I am using a cane for balance and cannot stand or walk for any real time period without it getting worse, even on the med for it. I am drained beyond belief. It is exhausting to try and just stand for a bit. I have to rest a lot. I am really hoping in the new year this will get better. I will get stronger with treatment. Maybe not perfect. Maybe the vertigo will remain to some degree. But better than now is my main goal. I have been in a mental funk these last few months and it leaves me feeling melancholy and wary of the future. So I want to work on that. Ever careful that melancholy and situational stresses do not fall back into depression.
When you cannot do much you feel useless and guilty. And I am now allowing myself the right to rest because I need it. To pace to my level of disability even though it means I cannot do much at all. I just need to give myself a break and allow myself to just Be until things get better.
2018 has been a bad year. Sort of a blur really of vestibular symptoms. I can’t name anything at all about it because it was all just a blur of hazy memories and a lot of resting. The intense brain fog, the disequilibrium, the vertigo itself and the persistent, constant dizziness. The sudden falling sensations… and sometimes falling. To that just repetitive falling sensation in the head. First bit of the year I was completely and utterly zoned out. But the Clonazepam 3 to 4 times a day suppresses it a bit. So I can leave the house with my cane for short durations. I can do a very small amount of modest housework. But it is a temporary solution to the problem, given the drug has such a high dependency rate. I need the rehab to be able to function at all. I need to be able to stand, to walk, to sit and focus for more than a fraction of the day. Without literally everything making me worse.
Like blogging has been difficult beyond belief, but it keeps me sane. It is that I can’t really read, so I do apologize for any typos Grammarly doesn’t catch because I can’t edit. And just thinking. That is a task itself. So it slow going. And yeah it aggravates things but so does every other single thing I do. And I need to keep my sanity through these long days by doing Something. I swear the cabin fever is getting to me. So a really crappy year of just being unable to Be without significant effort and just exhaustion. I really hope 2019 holds a lot better than that. I can hope, eh?