The cure for all that ails you

I know what you are thinking. All that cure talk from the internets is bullcrap. And it is. But I know how to cure anything that ails you with these specific and detailed methods.

1. Finely powdered unicorn horn, while extremely difficult to find, will cure chronic pain of any sort. But only when mixed with almond milk. But unicorns are precious, so who would take their horn? A bastard, that is who.
2. Who needs the painkillers you’re doctor refuses to prescribe because he is intimidated by unfair rules… when you can drink sour goat milk and nutmeg with a Smidge of pickle juice.
3. Who needs a cure for insomnia due to illness when we can just literally stay awake forever. I mean, I could totally learn a whole new language with that time. *May cause hallucinations.
4. Use children’s tears collected at midnight on the first day of January to cure your pain. But that also means making children sad. So… I don’t recommend this one. Just throwing it out there.
5. Eat only pickles. For a year. With the occasional potato for more nutrition.
6. The nectar of the gods, also really hard to find, unfortunately, will cure all your ailments. *May cause madness *Do not steal it, it pisses them off. *May also cause immortality. And it can be substituted with pure, refined, ambrosia
7. I always recommend dragon teeth to help with fatigue. *May cause death from getting one but on the plus side if you live you can take some of their hoard of gold to help with all the financial insecurity that comes with being chronically ill.
8. If you have a migraine stand on your head for five days. All the blood flow will implode the migraine out of existence. Also, drink water. Lots of water. Which makes it tricky since you can’t go to the bathroom standing on your head.

And I know this sounds like madness but if you think so you can try some historical treatments for ailments

1. Urine. Yeah, your urine. Because even though it is discarded for a valid reason it has a long history of being used for many things. Laugh all you want, but people literally still do this…. so therefore it must do Something. Maybe not a good Something, but Something, “many cultures and eras, which have included the Romans, the Renaissance period, China, India and France and is still a predominant theory in Western culture to this day. Its uses number in the many: teeth-whitening, skin protection, acne cure, strep throat and broken bones to name a few. Sometimes the urine is ingested directly, whilst other times the urine is made into a poultice or directly placed on the skin. “10 bizarre medical treatments
2. Mercury. Also may cause death, but apparently it was well used “Mercury has even been found in Egyptian tombs dating as far back as 1500BC. Mercury was believed to cure ailments, heal wounds, prolong life and a whole bunch of other things. One Chinese emperor – Qin Shi Huang – was so obsessed with seeking an elixir for eternal life, that he ingested a mercury compound that was given to him by his doctors and scientists. Ironically, the very mixture that was designed to give him eternal life ended up killing him” 10 bizarre medical practices
3. Heroin – for coughs. Nothing else. Just a good old cough cure from our recent history.
4. Lobotomy for mental illness. Yeah, it will make you far worse off than the mental illness. Like non-functional brain scrambled. But it was used. And sometimes with a migraine… I do… consider it. “About 50,000 lobotomies were performed in the United States before the practice was discontinued in the 1950s. The benefits were mixed at best, and lethal at worst. Not enough patients showed any positive changes, while the rest turned into vegetables or came down with a bad case of death.”10 bizarre medical practices from history
5. Blood-letting- So… this is a wee bit gruesome but was used to cure basically everything for 2000 years. So 2000 years can’t be wrong. May cause passing out or death.
6. Trepanning which is essentially drilling open your skull and it has been used for a Very long time in history. Some believe it was used for head injuries to relieve the swelling. Now…. I’d give it a go for a migraine any day of the week
7. Cigar smoke enema. Now, this is because tobacco was considered to have medical benefits. But talk about blowing smoke up your ass.10 bizarre medical practices from history
8. Vibrators to cure ‘Hysteria’ a vague condition women were said to have that could be cured by stimulation. I see nothing wrong with this theory.10 bizarre medical practices from history
9. Cocaine. Your child has a toothache? Cocaine. 10 bizarre medical practices from history
10.  Cannibal cures. I literally have nothing to say about this, except this is how zombies happen.”Suffering from persistent headaches, muscle cramps or stomach ulcers? Once upon a time, your local physician may have prescribed an elixir containing human flesh, blood or bone. So-called “corpse medicine” was a disturbingly common practice for hundreds of years. The Romans believed that the blood of fallen gladiators could cure epilepsy, and 12th century apothecaries were known for keeping a stock of “mummy powder”—a macabre extract made from ground up mummies looted from Egypt. Meanwhile, in 17th century England, King Charles II was known for enjoying a draught of “King’s Drops,” a restorative brew made from crumbled human skull and alcohol.”7 ancient medical techniques

So remember, if someone offers you a cure for your illness, other than mine of course… try recommending they drink their own urine for good health. Because you want to share helpful information that could likewise help them. Don’t hoard the wealth of cure knowledge to yourself! 😉

Random cures will be around forever. And so many scams out there to watch out for. We can be desperate for something… anything to work… and it makes us vulnerable sometimes.

Other times, we are just so tired of hearing your cousin’s best friends mother-in-laws weird thing that cured her.

Other random posts:

4 things not to do with a migraine (seriously, don’t do it)

5 things chronically ill hear about their appearance

better? not yet? What the hell