A Chronic Voice: Prompts for March

chronic illness 19 comments

A Chronic Voice’s prompts for March:

  • Failing
  • Succeeding
  • Pausing
  • Deciding
  • Thriving

The idea is to pick 3 or more and link-up with other bloggers.

A Chronic Voice Prompts March

Failing

I am sick to death of failing. It happens because for many reasons I go to work again and I exceed my limits every day and the pain gets worse and worse. And I fail. I fail due to absenteeism. I fail from presenteeism (There, butt in seat, but not actually There so errors and low functionality and poor concentration). Both of which make me very unreliable and undependable. And I feel like it is a personal failure every time. So it destroys my self-worth. I want to succeed. I want to be physically able and well enough to do a job well and be there every day. And that is something I currently am not capable of. But I realize now this isn’t a failure on me but doing what I simply cannot do. I wrote about it in: Do you feel like a failure?

Succeeding

I want to succeed in treatment and physical improvement so I can succeed in other areas of my life. I value wellbeing a great deal. And for wellbeing, I need the vertigo and pain effectively managed. Maybe I can never work again. Maybe I can. But I will never know unless I proceed in areas that might help. And succeeding isn’t exclusive to work. It is having a healthy social life. It is having good overall wellbeing. It is being productive in the ways I can and not focusing on the things I cannot do.

Pausing

I am currently pausing. I cannot function well at all. And I am in limbo until treatment begins which is, thankfully, soon but how long it will take I am not sure. So right now I am on pause. I cannot exercise. I can barely do any housekeeping. I nap a lot just to recover from any thing I do manage to do. I am so fatigued from these vestibular symptoms and aggressive migraines. I’ve been on pause since November 2017. And that is a long time with no progress. And due to med reductions, I actually am worse than when I started this whole process. Which is a tad discouraging. And frustrating.

Deciding

I am not deciding on anything at the moment. I am waiting. Everything I think about is just a possibility because I can’t functionally actualize anything at the moment. Just too sick. But I have plans and idea for the future. Just on pause at the moment.

Thriving

Well, I am currently not thriving. I feel stagnant and like every day is lost to symptoms I cannot control. That I am losing all this time that I could be doing other things. Any things. Anything at all. But I want to thrive. I plan on it. Thrive in the best way I can within the limits I have.

Other related prompt posts:

Chronic Voice prompts for February 

CHRONIC VOICE PROMPTS: DEDICATING ESTABLISHING, STRENGTHENING, ALLOWING

CHRONIC VOICE PROMPTS: DE-STRESSING, RESTING, AND FINALIZING

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19 comments

  2. Thanks for joining us, Nikki. Am sorry to hear of all the suffering you’re (still) going through month after month 😦 Your resilience shines through, but I know just how tiresome it really is. So I’m just sending you lots of good thoughts, love, and hope that the rest breaks and naps help more and more x

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  3. So sorry to hear of your continuing suffering that I know from your recent posts that have been the same for many months now. But I just love although, of your many difficulties and the limitations they are all creating in your life, you still have a great capacity for hope and that things will improve. It gives hope for us all, and I really hope things will get better for you and are able to get some life back for yourself.

    Take care

    Rhiann x

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  4. Hi Nikki, thank you for sharing! Waiting so often feels so frustrating – I know that I always want to know the next step or the next option, or the next shiny object to focus on! Learning to pause is something I’ve been working on a long time, and it still isn’t easy. Keep going, it can get better! Glad that your therapies are going to start soon, sorry it’s been such a painful wait!

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  5. Hi Nikki,

    Wishing you all the best and hoping for some relief for you soon. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re suffering. I just went through a year of being the sickest I’ve ever been, but I came out on the other side of it with a new change in my medications. (For now. Who knows how long it will last.) Thank you so much for sharing. Good luck with your PT this month.

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  6. Hey Nikki! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, all very apt reminders for me! It’s easy to feel like a failure when you have a chronic illness but I think as chronic pain warriors, nothing could be further from the truth! Living with chronic pain is HARD. We should go easier on ourselves 🙂 All the best and I hope you feel better soon.

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  7. I remember being in the sick bunker relative to you now being so sick I couldn’t manage anything. Your words spoke to me “I will never know unless I proceed in areas that might help” while we need to surrender like you have had to for self preservation right now, it is great to see how your spirit will continue to thrive while your body catches up. Sending hugs xx

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