The idea is to pick 3 or more and link-up with other bloggers.
I am sick to death of failing. It happens because for many reasons I go to work again and I exceed my limits every day and the pain gets worse and worse. And I fail. I fail due to absenteeism. I fail from presenteeism (There, butt in seat, but not actually There so errors and low functionality and poor concentration). Both of which make me very unreliable and undependable. And I feel like it is a personal failure every time. So it destroys my self-worth. I want to succeed. I want to be physically able and well enough to do a job well and be there every day. And that is something I currently am not capable of. But I realize now this isn’t a failure on me but doing what I simply cannot do. I wrote about it in: Do you feel like a failure?
I want to succeed in treatment and physical improvement so I can succeed in other areas of my life. I value wellbeing a great deal. And for wellbeing, I need the vertigo and pain effectively managed. Maybe I can never work again. Maybe I can. But I will never know unless I proceed in areas that might help. And succeeding isn’t exclusive to work. It is having a healthy social life. It is having good overall wellbeing. It is being productive in the ways I can and not focusing on the things I cannot do.
I am currently pausing. I cannot function well at all. And I am in limbo until treatment begins which is, thankfully, soon but how long it will take I am not sure. So right now I am on pause. I cannot exercise. I can barely do any housekeeping. I nap a lot just to recover from any thing I do manage to do. I am so fatigued from these vestibular symptoms and aggressive migraines. I’ve been on pause since November 2017. And that is a long time with no progress. And due to med reductions, I actually am worse than when I started this whole process. Which is a tad discouraging. And frustrating.
I am not deciding on anything at the moment. I am waiting. Everything I think about is just a possibility because I can’t functionally actualize anything at the moment. Just too sick. But I have plans and idea for the future. Just on pause at the moment.
Well, I am currently not thriving. I feel stagnant and like every day is lost to symptoms I cannot control. That I am losing all this time that I could be doing other things. Any things. Anything at all. But I want to thrive. I plan on it. Thrive in the best way I can within the limits I have.
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