The unlived life

“Do not fear death, but rather the unlived life. You don’t have to live forever. You just have to live.”

― Natalie Babbitt

The unlived life

I do fear the unlived life. I used to say every day I couldn’t function with chronic pain… like a massively severe migraine… that day was a ‘lost day’.

Poem: Lost days

And then when I began to get out of my mental funk I was like No those days are self-care days.

But add them up? And how much time is lost to non-functionality?

And now with this vertigo and dizziness which is getting worse and I can’t really do much at all. Rest 90% of the day. And not even able to write or read or distract myself because I am so very, very woozy. I just am so non-functional. And so very tired. I mean, fatigue so intense it is hard to stand let alone do something.

Well, I fear the unlived life.

Most days I try to think optimistically about potential treatment. I tell myself I have to listen to my body and my body can’t handle much at the moment. I tell myself about needing the downtime and the recovery.

But I am a little sad about it all.

All the things I cannot do. And how hard it is to do the things I do do. How exhausted I get from just the littlest thing. How I can’t think straight and do the things I would distract myself with; my writing or reading or anything that requires concentration.

So today I was pretty down because the last week has been pretty bad relative to the already sucky state I have been in. I feel like I am losing life to rest and sleep. And existence has become heavy and so tiring and so very much effort. I just want to be able to do a Little to stave off this feeling of emptiness.

Existence is exhausting

And since I can’t see the neurologist till October, I have been a bit bummed about the fact I am so functionally useless. And since I don’t know what he will say or if there is anything I can do for treatment… I can’t get my hopes up about that either. But that is a long time to be like this. It has already been so long. Over two years with this now. And I keep hoping it will get better but instead it feels like it is just getting worse.

I can’t recall ever feeling just this sick. Pain is one thing. I know pain. And pain itself can kill, don’t ever think otherwise. You have to be infinitely careful with it and you need proper management of it. And, yeah, it limits a lot. But this… I feel like I am out of sink with reality. I am so spaced out and dizzy it is like my brain is shrouded in confusion. I feel really unwell. And I cannot even get through the day without sleeping through half of it.

And although I cannot do anything I am bored. I can manage to watch TV although it gets wonky with sudden camera angle changes or too much motion. But TV is boring as all hell.

So yeah the unlived life a thought that occurs to me. But I hope it is a pause. And when I get some treatment I will see enough improvement to have some sort of life like this. But I feel mopey about it at the moment. Just as long as I do not mope for too long. Then I would just annoy myself.

We all have rough moments. And a pity party is well deserved sometimes. But I always am careful over my mood and thoughts lest I rather sink into catastrophizing and depression. So I can have my pity party… and then try again tomorrow, eh?

See more:

Bubble world

Chronic Illness: Living in a backwards world

Blurred lines

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9 comments

  1. I’ll come to your pity party, you bring the whine, I’ll bring the cake. 😉
    As you know, I’ve been completely disabled by vertigo and all the symptoms that you are describing. I can’t tell you a treatment that helped (lord knows I tried enough), and I know we aren’t the same, but I can tell you mine got better. It’s not completely gone, but it’s so much better. 💕

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  2. You bet, you have your party and try again! And then again, and again… it’s all good. I am terrified of not living my life as well. I have many lost days, my husband was the one who told me they are healing days. I like your self-care days. I’m sorry you can’t see your Neurologist until October. I suffer from bouts of vertigo too. There really is nothing the doc can do! At least in my case. I just take Dramamine, you know, the motion sickness over the counter medication. It definitely helps for a while but never solves the problem. God, I hope you stop feeling so darn sick! I agree, pain, we know it. Feeling sick, dizzy, nauseous… that is another kind of enemy.

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  3. My heart aches reading this because I feel so similar, I can’t get my head around where all of the months, the years are disappearing and I feel so much of my life has just vanished. The unlived life indeed, but there are moments in between the rest and sickness, small joys to experience, and there will be brighter days again, so hold on to that hope for what’s ahead  ♥
    Caz xxxx

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