It is time for A Chronic Voice linkup!
This month’s prompts are:
I am still on pause in my life right now due to the effects of vertigo. But I am regrouping mentally about it because I was feeling down about my lack of functionality. And I needed to accept this extreme pacing and resting is currently necessary. Had to mentally draw myself back from overthinking about it, which always causes so much trouble for my mental wellbeing.
Everything I need to do to investigate what is wrong at the moment… is taking a lot of time. And I am very, very impatient for some help with all this. So I am investigating my new limits. I try a little something… I rest. Try a little more… I rest. Just seeing how far I can push it before the symptoms go nutbars and I am done for the day. And turns out that isn’t much at all. But it is good to know if I have to leave the house where those limits are. One example is my birthday. My spouse was going to take me shopping but I also wanted to go to dinner with my mom. So my spouse got me flowers and a gift card I could use online instead because Both would have been impossible. That was very thoughtful of him because I would have tried. And it turns out going out to dinner really spurned on the external vertigo. So that was my limit there. And doing both would clearly have been impossible. Dinner was awesome though. I mean, you have to make choices on what you want to do and still not do too much with vertigo.
So I have been boosting my supplements and vitamins in hopes that something will help with this immense fatigue or symptoms. Also boosting ones that may help with hair loss since the new med I will be on shortly can cause that in some people… so prepping to up those vitamins to hopefully prevent that…. because that isn’t cool at all that side effect. I had it with Topamax and vitamins really helped out. So I figure the vitamins are good anyway for my health conditions and maybe they will prevent that side effect if I am one of the few that get it.
So I am setting some serious limits on myself to manage the vertigo while simultaneously trying to have a little life in the mix. And it is tricky since those limits are at a threshold that is far lower than they were already with chronic pain. You seriously cannot push through it… it just goes nutbars and you are miserable for days afterwards. And I hate living on the couch for days unable to do a damn thing. Makes me feel miserable. So I need the limits to guide me in the wee bit I can do and know that each of those things has a cost and needs some rest for recovery.
I am infinitely slowly getting back into the things I like to do when I can do nothing else. So reading, I am an avid reader, but my eyes get really wonky lately and it is extremely difficult to do. So I have chosen early in the day or after my meds kick in to get some reading time in. Not much. But some. And it makes me feel good to be able to read a little bit. Same with writing. Writing is difficult when you cannot focus and are so damn dizzy all the freaking time. So I do just a little bit and rest. And try a little bit later. Because again this makes me mentally feel good. I am writing this early in the morning after my morning med because this is when I am Most functional, some days. And I want to do the things that make this all worth living. We need to hold onto things to help us cope. And maybe I can’t do a lot or do it as well, but I will do a little.
I do struggle with the level of fatigue and illness lately that is making my limits so very minute. It isn’t a matter of wanting to do More so much as a matter of wanting to do just normal everyday things without crashing after. It is so very exhausting. And the fact I have to wait so long to figure this all out is just another frustration. I have been dealing with this a long time waiting for the ENT, waiting for tests, then waiting for the vestibular clinic, waiting for more tests and waiting for the MRI and now waiting to see the neurologists about that MRI. All the while thinking how much it Sucks being stuck like this. Every day thinking maybe it will just stop on its own and it just doesn’t. So I am frustrated with all the time it has taken for all of this with no answers. And no way to effectively treat it.