Life stresses

Life is stressful because it is unpredictable and involves changes we do not often choose. And when we are chronically ill it can really knock our health through a loop as we adjust. And this then makes it harder to cope with the external stress.

When I realized I would have to go on disability I knew we had to get our finances in order. So I had a plan. Sell the house. Pay some debt. And downsize. But life has other plans. Whatever, life, whatever.

Life stresses

Anyway, it has been very stressful lately because:

  • My 13-year-old cat died. I had to put him down due to pancreatic cancer and from that also severe, severe diabetes. And that hurt a lot. Knowing you have to but not wanting to let them go.
  • Financially we are struggling. Because we have the debt of two full-time income earners. And then I went to part-time and that was really hard to manage. Now… disability income is a fraction of That. We may have to go bankrupt. Which is not something I ever wanted to do but it is now on the table.
  • Today my spouse, who is obviously the primary income earner, got laid off due to downsizing. It was a shock to us both. And I am not working for the buffer needed to help out financially.

And I have been quite sick as a result. The dizziness and vertigo, in particular, do Not like this at all. But neither does pain. Strange how abrupt and fast and wicked those external stressed just nail you in the health department. I am not freaking out, yet, and yet my body is freaking out for me. Full on tantrum mode.

It is difficult when you are a one income household all the time. Hell, it is difficult being disabled and being dependent on others. And I cannot fix this. If I were still working full time it wouldn’t be such a blow. And I can do nothing about that the way I am now. Not being this disabled. And that sucks. A lot. I always want to make a plan and solve the problem. But I can’t. And it sucks a lot knowing I am incapable of helping out when we need my help.

I am a firm believer in product insurance though. I was, after all, a banker. A sick banker who knew the unpredictability of life and my health. So what will help is that one of my credit cards (of two) has disability insurance and my car has disability insurance. Neither last forever, so it is like a band-aid on a profusely bleeding wound. And on the mortgage, I put job loss insurance on my spouse (because he makes all the money and I thought due to the economy that was prudent). Thank goodness for that. We have an appointment with the bank to see if he qualifies. That also doesn’t last long but hopefully long enough and every bit of space in our budget helps. They gave him a payout since he was with the company for 16 years and I do hope he can find something else before that runs out. The economy sucks in these parts… so we will have to see if we can find local, if not, look everywhere. Gotta do what you gotta do.

I feel for him because he is such a hard worker and takes a lot of pride in his work. They laid off five people so far, randomly picked. And they felt bad about it but damn I don’t care. I am pissed. Still, I have hope he will find something better. Something he really enjoys and gives him satisfaction and will appreciate his skills and worth ethic. He is such a good man. And he deserves to have a good job he thrives in.

We cannot predict these life stresses. We just have to ride the wave of change that is life.

He is coping well but I have no idea how long that will last. It is hard to find work these days in his field. But like I said, strong work ethic. He will find what he needs to find until he can find something else.

And I loathe I cannot fix it. If only I could function. If only… but I cannot. I have a hard time just leaving the house because getting a ride somewhere in a car… just makes me worse. So I am pretty isolated at the moment. My spouse will not enjoy this time between jobs because he has to keep busy and not being busy drives him nuts. I told him that is how it is with me. Not being able to do the things I want and not being able to work… gets very boring. And daytime TV… sucks balls. Filling the day is difficult. Well, I cannot even Do that much so it is even harder to fill the time. I have to rest a lot which is boring as hell. He can do a lot more but with nothing to do, he will go stir crazy. When he had his cancer surgery and could not do anything while he recovered… yeah, totally stir crazy.

But things can always be worse. I know that for a fact as my health tanked a couple years ago. Always can get worse. So hopefully we are done with Worse for just a wee bit. Just hoping for just a little stability for a bit.

Life what a kick in the balls, eh?

See related posts:

Chronic illness: good employers and bad employers

Question: Is fibromyalgia a disability?

Officially disabled

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12 comments

  1. Nikki, I am so sorry to hear about all that you are currently going through. However, this too will pass away, and things will become well again. For me, I too go through some hard times, however, I am a strong believer in the Lord. God truly has dominion over all things, and he is able to help us when we pray to him. If I may ask, do you believe in God? Do you believe in the power of prayers? God is the only true provider. Although we work hard for our money, it is God who provides us with the opportunities that make us able to work in the first place. The Lord is more than able to help you.

    The Bible says in Philippians 4:6
    “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done”.

    The Bible says in Matthew 6: 25-34
    “25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

    28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

    31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God[a] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

    34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today”.

    Dear Sister, hold God to his word. Believe in the word, and he would manifest his ways before you. Believe that God is real, and that his words are true, and he will manifest his ways in your life. God will provide for you and your family, and he will make many resources available to you. It all starts here sis. It starts with faith in the Lord, an obedience to the word, prayers, and a passion for Christ. God is ready, the question is, are you ready?

    If you do not yet have a relationship with the Lord, I would strongly suggest that you begin one. There are a lot of blessings that comes from knowing the Lord, and being in fellowship with him. If you already have a relationship with the Lord, that is good, keep believing and working to deepen your relationship with him, and I am sure that he would come through for you somehow.

    If you want to know about God in more detail, you can find further information here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/10/23/a-few-things-that-i-have-learned-about-god/ And Here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/

    May God’s blessings be with you, Amen. ❤ ❤

    Like

  2. Well… I’m not agnostic but I am a firm believer in not cherry picking Bible verses to explain why bad shit happens and why we shouldn’t worry because, damn, I’m fucking worried! You and the hubby got some shit to go through! Prayer ain’t gonna fix this! Awesome planning on the insurance part. I hope he will find something he loves! I can’t tell you how many times I thought about my career… losing it, and making crap on disability! Not fair. I planned a career future, not a life of debt and stress. Unlivable wage! Keep swinging. Keep fighting. I’m so damn sorry!

    Liked by 1 person

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