Okay, this is going to be a weird post about reality and what we can actually Know about reality when we have neurological conditions. So weird. Just a heads up.
I have persistent migraine auras and also auras before a migraine. And I get a boatload of types.
- The visual- which is my persistent migraine aura. But also more complex when it is before a migraine. Very typical ones. Flashes of light. Blobs of light. Cascading and pulsing sparkles. Patterns. All typical.
- Tactile- The whole weird numbness on the face or spiderweb sensations. I do not get these right now but in the past I did for years. Auras change like that.
- Olfactory- Smells that are not real. Yeah, get that. Lots of weird ones
- Auditory- now this was a new one to the game. I mean I get tinnitus all the time but actually sounds that are not real was new to me. Started with this music box song I had never heard before playing in the distance. Looked every damn place for where it was coming from.
But things are getting a little weird around the house. And either it is totally fucking haunted as hell or I am now getting more complex auras. And I have no idea which one it is. Because I do believe in hauntings. I have experienced them. My family has. We all have a sense for that sort of things. But this house has never been haunted in 13 years we have lived here. And only I am experiencing things… not my spouse. So that is suspicious to me.
- It began a couple years back with this ‘incident’ at night alone in the computer room with my relentless insomnia. I heard a static clicking noise (this can be an auditory aura by the way). I thought it was my computer speakers, which were not on, but I leaned it… and heard two children laughing. And that was a wee bit creepy really. As I have no children. So I said ‘if anyone is here flicker the light’ and the damned light zapped loudly and flicker as it did. So I had enough of that business and went to bed as one does when that happens.
- I have vertigo and have had dizziness and vertigo non-stop for two years now. And it is bad. And sometimes when I lay down and the meds are not ‘suppressing’ it enough I feel like my body is falling a bit in a repetitive pattern. But the med works well to suppress it so it doesn’t happen often. Except Now it feels like someone is pushing down at the bottom of the bed and I feel the motion of the bed shifting upward with the motion. I feel a little upper body but a lot lower body. And it happens in a random pattern. And stops when my spouse starts to wake up and then starts when he goes back to sleep. And sometimes, because I ignore it, I fall asleep and wake up to violent shaking. And then I get up and move to the freaking couch to get some damn sleep.
- One day when I woke up to that violent shake I heard a woman talking… mid-sentence and didn’t heard what she said but it was clear as day.
- One day while I was ignoring the shaking, as I always do, so I can try to sleep… I heard a very loud hiss to the side of the bed.
- Also, I feel like someone is touching me on the bed. Back of the head. Or like a pressure somewhere like something is there but when I move nothing is there.
- Lights keep flickering. Different ones. When I am alone. And never when my spouse is around. Any room I am in.
- I saw the creepiest thing… I looking into the kitchen, broad daylight, and saw this dense shadow in the shape of a human pass the entrance.
- Today when I was resting, due to the vertigo issue, I heard a chair scraping against the floor I looked up expecting my cat was up to something… I was alone and the chair was weirdly askew
- The only thing my spouse and I Both experienced were flickering of lights. One flickered I turned it off. The one in the dining room flickered so I turned it off. Then the one by the door flickered… and I gave up. But he was sure it was a power bump of some weird sort that moved from light to light.
- And another one is that before the bed started shaking the door to our bedroom kept closing. My spouse swore I must have been doing it out of habit because when my eldest cat was alive he wasn’t allowed in the bedroom… due to incessant face poking for attention. But I swore I was not closing it. And would then focus when I entered the room, didn’t close it, lay down went to be to our other cat whining to get out because the damn door was closed again. When that stopped… the bed started shaking.
And, yeah, I am like this house is haunted. Not sure why. Not sure when. But it totally IS.
But… migraines auras in rare cases can be complex. As in like seeing things that are not there. Like seeing people or visions… that are not there. It is rare for them to be visually complex… but it happens. So that could explain what I saw… that figure. And the first incident could be a weird ass complex auditory aura. The light may be a coincidence. The other two things I heard also could be auditory auras. The bed shaking, which I swear… is actually moving… could be the vertigo motion sensations presenting in a different way than they usually do. The sensation of touches and pressure could be tactile auras.
A lot of auras to explain a lot of weirdness. But auras can get more frequent as we get older. And I have had persistent migraine auras… visual for 15 years now. So it is well established I have rare aura experiences from just that.
And the whole thing is making me feel really nutbars. Except if it is migraine auras then it is just uncommon and weird and frequent maybe because the vertigo has persisted now for two years other things are getting more frequent as well.
It is literally me doubting the reality around me. At first, I blamed it all on the migraines. And it got weirder and weirder and more frequent. And I am like this is very ghost-like. But I only believe in ghosts 70%… because I am very aware hallucinations are far more common phenomena than people think. Like I get sleep paralysis which is particularly problematic when I am sleep deprived… so not frequent at all when I am off work and able to get enough sleep. And people often attribute the experience as paranormal because you can hallucinate while having it… not actually being really awake or really asleep. And I have had those sensations and experiences with sleep paralysis when I am working or if I have had poor sleep for four or five days in a row. Or those twilight experiences where you hear or see things as you fall asleep or just as you are waking up in the morning to consciousness… those are common and not paranormal. Like I get as I am waking up someone knocking on the door… or the doorbell ringing. Those are actually very common ones for people to experience.
So being aware of that and knowing how weird migraines can get… I don’t always believe in ghosts. I believe in commonplace hallucinations. But other times, like when my brother passed and my mom and I got calls from his cell. Mine literally would ring with no number and no one on the line. Hers would actually come up with his name and no one there. And you wonder. Maybe passed on people pop on by to say goodbye, eh? So I am open to the possibility.
And this is getting freaky. So maybe migraines and then I can just ignore it as weird brain things. Or there is ghost passing through and trying to get my attention ardently.
So I will mention it to the neurologist I am seeing in October for my possible MS diagnosis. I am getting my eyes checked on Monday to rule out any MS related issues.
But I am also getting someone to sage the hell out of this house. And before she can get here I am salting the house, which someone had told me when I was working was a good way to cleanse a house of negative energy. So worth a shot, eh? Maybe I will sleep in peace tonight.
I want to cover both possibilities.
But clearly, I cannot trust my brain. Migraines? MS? A rare medication side effect? I literally have no clue at all at this point.
But I am totally ready to call Ghostbusters at this point. For one, I was ignoring everything but the bed thing… I can’t sleep when this shaking gets back or wakes me up. Finally, I give up and just get out of bed. And the vertigo is way worse when I am sleep deprived so I want my bloody sleep. Don’t get a really good rest on the couch… which does not shake. Just the damn bed.
Normally, auras are very aura like. You know it is your brain misfiring. They phantom smells and sounds can fool you for a bit, but when you find nothing, it is pretty apparent it is an aura. Or if certain smells are always the one you get, that is a tell as well. You don’t think… hey, is that external to my misfiring brain? But now I am wondering. And that is what is making me feel nutbars. I can’t tell. If you see a black shadow man walk from the entrance of a doorway and past it… that doesn’t seem like it is an ‘in my brain thing’. That seems like a very ghost-like thing to do. And I am like… I am hallucinating. Or am I? WTF?
But with this wonky brain 95% chance it is my brain. 5% chance some of it isn’t. So I am getting this house saged. Because not cool experiences. And even if it is a low chance of it being a ghost… I want it to stop so I get get some fricken sleep. I am getting middle of the night migraines from Not sleeping. I am getting severe dizziness and vertigo the next day from Not sleeping. I need some damn sleep.
One thing I know:
Reality is our perception of reality. And we only know ‘normal’ if it is confirmed by the mass majority of people. Like the sky is blue. However, we can see colour differently and just because what you have been taught to be blue you call blue, doesn’t mean that is the same blue I see. Nevertheless, Confirmation of something tells you it is ‘real’. And since I do not have that confirmation of someone having the same experience at the same moment then I do not truly know if it is real rather than my brain. And that is just the way it is. Like the ‘cat pee’ olfactory aura… unless my spouse smells it (we had an elderly cat who peed outside of the box)… then it is my brain. I will look for it anyway, but likely not real unless it is confirmed. Auditory auras are the same way… you think it is the TV on or a radio or the computer playing some random ad… you look for it. Then it happens again and again… and yeah migraine aura.
***And on this topic, I Highly recommend Oliver Sack’s book Hallucinations.