Time for A Chronic Voice’s June blog prompts!

  • Repeating
  • Wondering
  • Turning
  • Getting
  • Desiring


Not working is a lot of… sameness. Do a little housework. Rest. Do a little writing. Rest. And repeat. Every day until you go nutbars with utter and complete boredom. And then motivation stagnates. And eventually, you just start making up things you can do. And talking to the cats. And you realize you have cabin fever. So you leave the house for short durations… which you pay for the rest of the day or even into the next day. But worth it. Nevertheless, a lot of repetition.


I have been wondering a lot about what the future holds. For example, since I have to wait so bloody long for my neurologist appointment I wonder if I have MS and what that would be like to cope with… or if I don’t. And since my spouse got laid off from work I wonder what our future will look like and if it will be worse or better. Or just… different.


I am turning a corner. When this vertigo crap added to the pain crap I was laid out with no medication to even help suppress it just a little bit. Now I do have a medication that helps a bit as long as I do not do much of anything. And that means… nudging my limits and seeing how far I can push it. Turns out, not too much, but a wee bit better than completely non-functional. Like a dinner out… that takes a lot. And I get very dizzy with vertigo spins by the end of it, and the next day isn’t so fun either… but I make it through it and I enjoy it. And I know if I take 3 vertigo pills it can help with any leaving the house socialization. But 1 and max 2 is what my doctor wants me to take. But I need to socialize once in a while or I will literally go nuts or get depressed.


I am also getting tired of being too sick to function and work. I find this infinitely frustrating since my spouse isn’t working and I cannot Fix it. And I really wish I could, for both of us.


I am desiring More All the time. Just more than the life I have or am currently limited to. More functionality. More quality of life. Just More more-ness. But in many ways with these limitations, I have to create that More in ways I actually can within the limits I actually have. Socializing a wee bit. Doing a bit of housework. Exercising if I can a bit. Hobbies I can manage for short durations. More is on me. The limits I can do nothing about at the moment.

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16 thoughts on “A Chronic Voice: June blog prompts

      1. I send you heartfelt love and admiration. The endless circuit of waiting, appointments, tasks, work, frustration and disappointment is just so tough. You are doing well to sustain that sense of humour – just. We do understand.

        There isn’t a real answer. That makes it all the more frustrating because we want one and we want it now. Chronic pain is like being inside a washing machine on an endless cycle.

        There are pauses. For those we are very thankful.

        I’ve had to give up the job I absolutely love, which was so hard because it was my identity. I’m having to sell my house to make ends meet. It has an impact on my marriage and all my relationships. However, I’ve realised that I have to be true to myself. Chronic pain is not my fault. But is just happenstance. Staying strong is a nightmare but despite my frequent lows and struggles I can do it. We all can. We can dig deep and we can find our best selves.

        Sending you all the best on your journey.

        Liked by 2 people

  1. You sound so sad, it must be frustrating finding yourself like this. I hope you can get some better help with your health soon. Boredom is a nightmare when you are chronically ill.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nikki – sorry things seem to be so tough right now! I totally empathize on the frustration of not being able to work and your partner being unemployed. My partner was seriously injured a couple years ago, and hasn’t been able to find work since. He’s not bad enough to be considered disabled, but needs to work close to home and be able to regularly change positions while working.
    Please keep taking care of yourself, be kind to yourself, and let yourself find the silver linings in your life!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yea that sounds like a familiar situation, though I think you have it much worse with the pain and stuff (I know I know I shouldn’t be comparing :p ). I hope you find answers soon. Sameness in the stuck at home routine isn’t fun and after all this while, I think I’ve also developed a fear of re-integrating into society, like it might trigger extreme pain again.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Hello once again Nikki

    Once again you have given us such a beautifully raw and personal post. One that is sadly all too relatable for any of us also living with such health conditions. I am so sorry to hear of your continued struggles concerning your health and it’s accompanying symptoms. The sadness, pain and frustration really lifted off the page (or screen) beautifully described. I really hope you find much needed answers soon and something which will help you gain some of your life back.

    Take care of yourself

    Rhiann x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey Nikki, Firstly “nutbars” love it! I’m really sorry to hear your spouse lost their job. It must be very frustrating not being able to do more but I’m sure your support is much appreciated. The vertigo is a killer trying to socialize but you are so right to go for it sometimes to keep your sanity. Your blog really spoke to me this month. I was struck by your wise words: “I have to create that More in ways I actually can within the limits I actually have.” Somedays it feels insurmountable but your willingness to keep gettin back up is admirable specially when we’ve been dealt a crappy hand most days!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It really sucked. He had been with that company for 16 years. So at least we got a payout which will last for a bit. I hope he finds something soon and something he likes.


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