I’m not full of warm fuzzy and rainbows. I’m not like a super-duper positivity dude that is going to blow sunshine up your butt. Just not how I roll.
However, I’m not a Debbie-downer either. I mean, I can be very negative and depressed. And then, yeah, I’m very doom and gloom. But I take a wee pill for that. And it helps temper that. Which helps a bit. Not eliminate… because pain is a suckfest. And suckfest is going to lead to suckfest thoughts. We are not going to escape that. And I would be lying if I said we could. Because on a bad pain day… or stretch… thoughts are not happy-happy-joy-joy. Just saying.
And that is part of the chronic pain experience we cannot avoid.
How I roll? Is realistic. Most of the time. And I aim to be.
So pain is a suckfest and we can all agree on that. But it is my suckfest.
What the actual hell do you mean by that?
I mean, there is no cure for what ails me, man. This is a suckfest life but it is the only life I have.
So I really have no choice but to make the best life I can out of this genetic crap roll. What makes it difficult is that it is rather difficult to do anything. So I think to myself I am the tortoise, not the hare. Slow and mellow is the name of the game, eh? It is not 10 things a day it is 1 small thing a day and 3 short social things a month. Maybe more, maybe less. And hobbies that I can actually do, like write, typos included.
People may think, what a Sad, Pathetic, life that is. And I say screw you! It is a Life is what it is. I put effort into it. A lot of effort into the things I do. Socializing isn’t something I have to do to stay sane as a human being but it takes a lot out of a person. But I make sure that I do it. And besides that I have few friends left and I would like to keep them. Because I like them. The key to that is picking things that use up less battery time instead of more, and less likely to trigger and migraine instead of way more likely. And knowing there are a price and consequence to everything… so choose wisely. There are things I cannot do, yeah. But some things I can. Hang out in the backyard with a fire. Play cards or games. Go out for coffee with friends or my mom. Lots of little things that the cost is acceptable.
Housework is a necessary part of mundane life I have to do. I just know to do a wee bit a day… or the second day… maybe sometimes skip a few days or a week. But if you do a little at a time you house stays well maintained. You don’t need to do a whole lot a day and pay a massive consequence for a week.
And my hobbies keep my brain engaged and active. I enjoy them. They give me a sense of purpose and interest me. Maybe when my vertigo is managed I can try something else to help alieve that sense of More I want. I mean, I will always have that sense of wanting More. But having Enough is good.
There will be days and weeks and even months we will lose to pain. But I do not call them lost days anymore. I call them recovery days. Rest days. The days I need self-care the most days.
So maybe it isn’t much of a life. And at the moment with the vertigo, dizziness, balance issues… and the fatigue with it … it is less than it was even. So it is hard for sure. But it could be the way it is. It could be the new normal. Something I realized when I accepted the whole cane was a necessary thing even with medication. So adjustments have to be made. Life changes. We deal. Life goes on, eh?
We have to find our gleams of sunshine in this life somehow. Make something out of it. With family and friends and things we can and like to do.
I suppose this has to do with acceptance. I accept this is the way it is, for now anyway. Things always change. And I have to live the life I have in any way that I can.
In a way, it is also hard-earned wisdom. I know what it is like to completely detach from the world because of pain. To not want to do things because of pain and so just not do them. To not try. To not explore my limits so never test them and never nudge them. To become a hermit. I mean what is the point of going out when it hurts so much?
The point is that even introverts need human contact, or so my psychologist told me, and he was right. It makes me feel really good to connect with people when I can on the level I can. Secondly, I will be in the house… and I will be in pain out of the house… so if I go socialize it literally is the same thing. I will be in pain anywhere and everywhere. But of course, there is a difference. Doing things=more pain. So we have to measure action vs. consequences. But say… sitting at a friend’s playing cards? Vs. Sitting at home binging Netflix? Sort of same deal pain-wise. Maybe environmental differences. Or fatigue differences. But that is about all. So choose your cost and consequences really. And make sure when you do you Always have recovery time. Being disabled I have all the recovery time I need. But when I worked… I always needed to plan recovery time. If there was no recovery time, I had to say no. If there was a lot of travel time… usually a no. If their too much of a cost to pay… definite no. Work tended to get peeved when I turned down off work time events in the community that required a) travel time b) activity c) no recovery time. And they were quite aware of my health issue. I mean really. Normals do Not Get It.
Anyway, I learned the hard way. I would prefer all you guys do not learn that way. That way led to very severe depression. The worse decade of my life. It happened. And I am better than I was mentally and emotionally but I do not recommend that lesson. Although sometimes we have to learn it. Sometimes it is our path. Sometimes coping is a really hard deal. So this is really a case of I hope in my heart of hearts my blog helps you guys learn from my mistakes so you find a new path to coping and acceptance without that darker path. And I don’t mean depression, because that, many of us have and I still have. I mean, just a really dark, isolated, lonely time where the depression eats you up and spits you out. And you come out the other side broken, no self-worth, no self-esteem, wondering who the hell you even are. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
So let’s find our gleams of sunshine. Whatever floats your boat, man. Knitting. Painting. Glass work. Metalwork. Tai Chi. Video gaming. Your family. Your kids. Your grandkids. Karaoke. Writing. Blogging. Vlogging. Puzzles. Find your weird and go with it. Find something new and do that. I keep trying to find something new to try to do, that I can do with this infernal dizziness. But it turns out aside from writing and reading… I lack patience in a lot of hobbies. Go figure. I need to find something simple that I will not lose patience doing. So keeps me interested and engaged.
I spent way too much time thinking about:
- What I couldn’t do not what I could
- About ambitions, I Could not have
- About goals, I would never achieve
- About things I had to give up on or compromise that I regretted
- About What Ifs
- About how much this pain sucked and ruined my Possibilities and Potential
Now I just stopped all that. Enough is enough. This is who I am. This is the life I have.