Time for A Chronic Voice August Prompts!
I thought I would capture some images of life with chronic pain and chronic illness.
- Playing scrabble with my spouse- he kicked my ass
- A paint by number painting my friend got me and my spouse and I finished
- Going to RibFest
- Filling my pill sorter
- A good pain day
- Playing crib with my spouse- I won. 1 game out of 3. But still. I so rarely beat him at crib that it was worthy of taking a pic
- Charlie helping me write my latest fiction book
You know this is just a depressing topic for me and many of us. My spouse still is not working… but he is working on trying to do something so hopefully that pans out. We still have debts we can’t pay. Not sure what to do about it yet. Bankruptcy is an option I am assuming that I can’t ignore. It is seriously stressing me out. It is like a problem with no solution unless I was suddenly cured and could work full-time again.
I would really love to edit my fiction books I have self-published and edit the ones I will soon self-publish as well as buy covers to be made… and it seems out of reach. Just can’t afford that sort of thing. Too poor to even be a writer? It seems so. So I will try to save my pennies which means publishing maybe every couple of years or more if I am very lucky. I wish that wasn’t the case. I think I have made a barter with an editor though. She edits and I beta read for a collective of indie authors. Sold! And my latest book is being edited by a new editor that is doing it for free for me to promote her work… so that is Awesome. I would love to use her for that whole series but we shall see. I was hoping to use my blog and book sale money for that and just save it over time… but I don’t know, sort of need every penny I can get for bills.
I am aware very little is in my control. I don’t like that, by the way. But it is just the way it is. But I do know some things are in my control. And now that the pain clinic has put me back on my pain killers I have been slowly starting my exercises again. So slow since I have done nothing since the vertigo hit 2 years ago now. So it is immensely painful. Starting with short walks and some physio to build up the weak areas… this will help with my poor balance due to the vertigo as well. It is an important part of my treatment to the pain clinic that I exercise and with pain killers, I am capable of it… without not even in the least bit. Say what you want about opiates (I’m on tramadol slow release) but I would prefer to function a little rather than not at all.
We are always exchanging are we not? For what we cannot do for what we can? It is all a balance. Life the life we can and not the one we cannot. And let that imaginary life Go.
I admit I have been having some motivation problems. Partly it is the fact migraines have been nutbars lately. Partly it is just the constant dizziness and bouts of vertigo and the balance issues… just so tiring to just Do things. Pain is now somewhat managed so that does help. But I still struggle. So I tell myself to do as I say to others and do 15 minutes of housekeeping a day and if that is all I can do… so be it. So be it. At least I managed something. And do a little writing, even if it is just a few paragraphs. Just a little bit. It is difficult with the pain and dizziness combined into some combo that just wants you to just sleep and rest and not do a damn thing. I have to drag my ass to do anything. And then rest. But at least I do a little.