Okay, I am still in limbo. Waiting and waiting. I have a vestibular test on Oct 3! Yay! Soon! And a neurologist apt on Oct 17th… Finally, we are talking LESS than a month instead of several months. So near the finish line for these appointments which likely will lead to more appointments. Like the pain clinic wants to see me base on what the neuro says… so another appointment. It is just constant waiting for appointments. And then more. And then waiting for tests and then more. That is the chronic illness life right there, man.
I am not parting ways with much really. I did part ways with diet coke… finally! Took me a long time to kick that habit. I drank it like water. Now I drink water like water. The only reason I kicked it at all was because all of a sudden it was giving me wicked heartburn. I guess I am old and heartburn is now a thing that happens. Anyway, diet coke was a bad one for that. And I was like I really do not like that feeling at all and I am a moron if I keep drinking it while it burns a hole through me. So I quit, slowly with the remainder I had a replaced it with other caffeine sources… but not nearly as much caffeine as I used to have so even that I majorly reduced. Which, by the way, makes absolutely no difference in my migraines… not the lack of diet coke not the extreme reduction in caffeine. So there is that factoid for all those people that told me it would. My brain is finicky. It doesn’t behave itself at all.
This should be my middle name. I am persevering through a hard time with symptoms that are making life and things I enjoy very difficult for me. And usually this causing a massive dose of depression but I am on my depression med so instead it is causing like a mental slump or funk that I work very hard at keep at that level. I am persevering in my hobby of writing because that is one thing that stabilizes my mood a bit. It is a pain distraction, yes, so that helps with the increase in pain lately to levels I do not appreciate at all. But also it helps to do something for me, just for me, that I like, even though it is harder and takes longer and more effort… so that I can Feel like I am still Me.
I am not into affirmations much. I am into counteracting the super negative thoughts I have all the time. Like I am not a failure just because I am not physically capable of something. I am not to blame for an illness I have no control over. And lately, since I have hit forty I have lost patience with my thoughts of low self-worth. And so I have chosen to smack myself around when I think them. Especially when it comes to Impostor Syndrome and I tell myself hell yeah I am good enough and hell yeah I should own my accomplishments. And I wish I knew this years ago that I was worth More than I believed I was.
I have low self-worth and I have been working on it for the last few years. And some self-compassion for myself because I am ill and yeah I’m not going to be climbing Mount Everest anytime soon but that doesn’t make me worthless. But this feeling of worthlessness came long before the pain became what it is. It was there for a long time. And so working through it is taking some time. But I am. And when someone calls me a know-it-all like it is an insult… I get angry now. My intelligence is NOT a flaw! I used to be so intellectually timid and believed no matter what I achieved it was because of some outside influence… easy class, easy grading prof… whatever. And to accept my own self-worth I have to accept all the traits I rather like about myself. I like that I am nerdy, geeky, dorky, and goofy. I Own those, man. And no one can insult me on those when I Own them.
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