I always worry about our comfort zone. How comfortable it gets. I’m not sure I like the idea of being comfortable at all. I want to strive.
There are some things I think about when it comes to chronic illness:
- We have to pace
- We have to stay within our limits or we will regret that
- we have to understand 1 and 2 or life can be very hard for us, much harder than it should or could be.
And then I think this ends up being a comfort zone sometimes where we fail to strive for more. More wellbeing. More more. Sometimes I want More and I know I am Limited. Greatly limited right now and I get that. But I think that maybe, just maybe, when my health improves a little I can figure out how to do new things a Different way. Not the way that didn’t work and was like bashing my head against a wall. But some way that wors with my disability and gives me that More I want, still letting me pace and stay within my limits. Fantasy? Or false desire? Or wanting what I cannot have? Maybe. Quite possibly. I do always get this sense of More just beyond my reach that I desire.
Or is it feasible that could be a possible future that I could have, thinking outside of my comfort zone? Like maybe my comfort zone, which is where I am able to heal and recover and is necessary right now, will one day just not fit anymore but it will be… comfortable. And it will be scary and intimidating to reach beyond that because, well, past experience tells me that leads to pain, suffering, depression, and worsening illness. And that our past experience then limits our future possibilities. That scares me. That I would be afraid to explore possibilities because of my past experiences, which were not pleasant experiences at all. Fear can control us so easily.
Maybe it is possible that once we have recovered enough, adapted enough, get the right treatment and medications (and I know all of that is hard to accomplish) or maybe when we are Better than we were enough that we feel we can cope with More or want More then…
- We can gently and carefully nudge our limits. Slowly. Carefully. Like when we start to exercise- we do not jump on in, it is just a very slow increase from very little amounts. Because we need to a) know where our limit is now and b) nudge it just a little to see if we can slowly adjust it
- We still have to keep in mind flexibility because pacing is key to our energy and pain maintenance. It is necessary. Without it we Boom and Bust over and over and get worse. And no one wants where that leads.
- Explore options that are doing things in new and different ways that accommodate our disability. Not the old ways that were like shoving a square into a circle hole, as society and workplaces try to do, (fit damn it!) and that just makes us worse.
And I wonder… what possibilities we could have potentially in our future.
Maybe just new hobbies we didn’t think of trying. Maybe new fitness regiments we didn’t think we could ever do. Maybe a new part-time flexible side income job that works for us. Maybe making a job that works for us. I don’t know. Possibilities though. Possibilities.
And that is the optimism I want to feel right now. That someday I can have More Something. If ONLY:
- I get diagnosed properly (With this vestibular condition)
- I get medication to manage these migraines and vestibular issues
- I continue with proper pain management
- I manage my mood as I am now
And things get better than they were yesterday and today and tomorrow.
I was thinking about this comfort zone because of repetition.
Literally what I do day to day over and over. Trying to fill the hours without work. Repetitive. Rinse, repeat. Over and over Ground Hog Day, I have no idea what day of the week it is because it literally doesn’t even Matter. I think this bothers me an insane amount. The insane boredom of it.
And it is driving me bonkers. The Sameness of it all. The stagnation of it all. And how do we all fill this Void created when we stop working? How do we fill the day and the hours? It is a constant struggle. Well, we only have limited energy so we do not have that many usable hours.
So I have been trying to do new things to stimulate that brain of mine in various ways.
- These puzzle games on the phone have been one thing to keep my brain thinking
- I have been drawing. I am not an artist (I draw slightly better than average, yes, but that is about all) but I do it because art is expressive and interesting and a new skill to try. Keeps me engaged. And my brain is learning a New Thing.
- My spouse and I got into paint by numbers for something to pass the time. Again just a new hobby to fill the endless hours that we really actually enjoy. And it doesn’t irk my nerve damage.
- I have ordered, for Christmas, for myself (as my spouse didn’t know what to get me so From him, ordered by me. lmao) some interesting non-fiction books. I used to love to read non-fiction from time to time before this vertigo got so severe. And I know I am a much slower reader now and I can’t read for long but I want to learn new things.
- I have been trying to get an exercise routine. But this isn’t working so well due to the vestibular symptoms being so severe. So it is like once every two weeks not like every two days like I would like. But I am trying. Because fibromyalgia doesn’t like all this rest I have to do which makes it really flare… I need some movement.
- Oh, and a lot of meditation which has been helping me de-stress a lot.
So I know I need a lot of rest. And naps. And I can’t Do much right now. But when I can do things I want those things not to be the same damn thing every damn day. On repeat forever. It drives me bonkers. So right now my limits are severe. But maybe, just maybe, when they finally figure out what is wrong with me I will get some actual treatment and I will be able to nudge myself a little… and see what is possible. Maybe not a lot. But maybe just a wee bit More than now which would be awesome. This is the lowest functionality I have ever had. More than this would be a win. Every inch I gain in functionality will be a win. And then you never do know.
I just do not want to be too comfortable in my comfort zone is all. I want to explore what I can do while very limited so that when maybe my limits are not so severe I can nudge them and see what sort of possibilities I have. I don’t like the idea that my comfort zone in the future and the fear of leaving it could limit my future possibilities. Assuming my health does improve somewhat. And I like to assume that. I like to assume that for us all. And if it does for you then I do hope that old patterns and your comfort zone and fear developed from past experience do not hold you back from the future you could have.
Even if all we ever gain is better than yesterday. Better quality of life. Better wellbeing. All that… quite worthy goals really. All the things I would really want. And strive for. All worth striving for.
I don’t know if I made any real point here because I have been so dizzy lately it is hard to think straight. I just have been thinking about maybe one day I won’t be. Maybe one day I can stretch my limits. Or maybe one day I can find a way to live differently with the vestibular condition that works for me even though it will never go away… adjust, and cope, and improve my quality of life. But right now I feel like I am in limbo waiting for a diagnosis, waiting for treatment, and stuck trying to get through the sameness of each day with so very little actual energy to do so. Cabin fever I guess.