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Well, I have been staying home a whole lot lately. My vestibular issues have decided to get worse, not better. This means they are not responding to my medication as well and it is very hard for me to be mobile (standing, walking, sitting upright) for long. I require a lot of rest. And if I do go out and about… it nails me hard, for more than a day. It has been a problem. And feeling this dizzy, well, sort of don’t feel up to anything either. I can’t really focus and I am so fatigued. Everything takes so Much Effort. So I just resting. I have made a doctor’s appointment but I really doubt she can help me since they have no clue what the cause of this issue actually is.
Like with any sudden downturn in health I am was doing nothing at all. Just trying to find some balance and resting, hoping it would stabilize back to where it was, but that hasn’t happened.
So now I have to find ways to do things in a way that doesn’t aggravate the dizziness and doesn’t require much mobility. So laying down activities. I have found propping myself up on the couch with the laptop has helped me with using the laptop without getting significantly worse from sitting up. And I was thinking of listening to podcasts because reading is quite hard when you are so dizzy. I have just recently, after some time, returned to my drawing hobby… again propping myself up on the couch and sort of doing it that way. It is difficult to do that way but it helps to focus on a hobby instead of resting All Damn Day, which is taking its toll on me mentally and physically.
I drew this one on a bad dizzy day so it is more of a sketch than anything, but I think it turned out well. It expresses my current mood and situation. That is why I worked on it really. And it felt good to at least be able to express myself somehow on such a horrific day.
I do not feel myself lately. I am consumed by dizziness and mobility issues that sucks the energy and motivation from me. It is so very hard to do much of anything. I want to get diagnosed. I want treatment. I want to feel better. I want to know what is going On. But I won’t. Not for some time yet. So my Being in the World is going to be severely limited for some time. If I had any energy at all this would cause some sort of emotional response or melancholy but I am just too dizzy to have even that.
My only targets for this month are to find things I am capable of doing while laying down to pass the time so I do not go completely nuts. And try to push my limits a wee bit by getting out of the house for short durations… so I do not go completely nuts. I also want to try some laying down exercises because my fibromyalgia pain is getting very cranky with this need to lay down all damn day… and I need to stretch or do some exercises to help with that… just a little bit. I also aim to keep trying my new migraine med Aimovig this month and see if I get any results from it (so far not so much so we will see).
It weighs heavy on my mind that this is how it is going to be for some time. Or forever. I feel pretty discouraged that answers will come any time soon… or at all even. And that bothers me. I know we adapt to whatever conditions we have to but I don’t want to have to. I don’t even think my doctors comprehend how unwell I feel or how hard it is to do things or how low my functionality is getting. It is concerning. It is frustrating for sure.
I have talked about downturns and lower functionality before… when this first tanked on me. And it bothers me that there seems to be no bottom to this that I can adjust to… just gets worse. But either way, it will bottom out eventually and I will adjust. Because I will have to. Downturns are just due to this infernal unpredictable nature of chronic illness. We never know when something is just going to spontaneously get worse. And there is always an adjustment period to that. But we do endure and persevere.