This month prompts
It has been a rough year and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. It is like you think you reach the bottom and find you can fall more and the ground is just never stable under your feet. There is nothing to hold onto. Nothing to be sure of. The future is uncertain and perhaps, even frightening in its possibilities.
I have had ups. And downs. As a result of trying to cope with the External factors that influence my chronic illness and chronic pain. All I can do is go with the flow and cope as best as I can with situations I have no power over.
COVID-19 has shown us the fragility of our worlds and lives. What we thought was sure and we had control over… we never actually did. We have so very little control in this life. But we like to Feel that we do. It is mentally comforting to feel that we have some control over our lives. I know that isn’t true though. Not with the infinite unpredictability of my health that has taken so much from my life such that I am powerless to stop it… all I control is my coping and how I react to it. And that is the truth for everyone. All we can control is our coping and how we react. And the choices we make from that point on when life throws everything asunder.
I am slowly searching for ways to adapt to this vertigo plus chronic pain combo. I want to slowly start exercising but it is difficult with the vertigo which gets amplified by it so very easily. So it will be a very slow venture. Either way, I want to slowly improve my well-being because I do not think this is going to change any time soon, or maybe at all, I do not know. Because it seems to be lasting so very long with no end date at all and my migraine pain and fibro pain is not well managed… I have to find ways to increase my own well-being as best that I can. We can only improve bit by bit in how we cope and adapt and improve our well-being when we have no control over anything else.
I hope for a great deal. Mostly I hope for some financial stability since my boyfriend lost his job due to COVID-19 in a province that was already hard hit by tanking oil prices. So not a lot of work to go around. So I really hope he find something soon. I do not like the uncertainty. The fear. The stress. I do not need more stress that is for sure. And neither does he. But this is difficult. Money stresses we had before are magnified.
I have dealt with a lot of the trauma I have gone through with chronic pain and depression but it took quite a few years. Mostly it was the survival mode of just getting through the pain every day unmanaged with medication, with a stressful job in a bad work atmosphere that led to severe depression and eventually a suicide attempt. And that left a real wound in me. A trauma. It took a long time to work through all in my head and sort it out and deal with it and finally let it go. It took pain management and therapy and depression medication. And a lot of me just sorting through what I really thought about what had happened. The anger. The despair. The frustration. All that emotional turmoil I had and some left over.
This rage at a society that says ‘hey you can be chronically ill as long as you function like a normal person, perform like a normal person, with a smile on your face, and don’t complain.’ As long as you don’t ask for accommodations. Or call in sick. Or show that you are suffering. Or struggling. None of that business. Bad. And I had a lot of anger about that. After all, it has destroyed my self worth and self esteem. Obliterated it. And it took so many years after to rebuild that… and will take more yet. I regret ever working there. Ever staying. Ever trying as hard to hold onto something that could never work for me. I regret a lot. But I have let go of all that emotional pain. I don’t need to hold onto it. I needed to move on. Heal. Recover. Get that self-worth back again. Rebuild my self-identity. Build myself up again from what destroyed me.
I am honouring myself and the self-care, recovery, and rest that I need. And the self-compassion I need for what I am no longer capable of doing. While at the same time knowing I can take advantage of peak times to do things that will help my spirit thrive (drawing, writing, blogging) but managing my energy very carefully and resting as needed. Lots of resting these days. Sometimes all day. But I know that my body needs it. I get that. I have a low energy state of being right now. It cannot do much. So I need to Value what it can when it can that much More.
I am responding to life with a lot more strength than I ever thought I had. Perhaps because I have developed a boatload of resiliency. Not sure. I just know I can handle anything, no matter what it is because I have the strength to endure it. Strength comes from somewhere inside where you know that you have been here before, and worse, and you just know that you can persevere. It sucks that you have to, but you can. Somehow.
I must say the world today makes it very difficult for someone with depression, even treated, it is just so chaotic and so sad… it overwhelms me with empathy of others that I can’t do nothing with but feel. Empathy doesn’t stop. It never goes away. You just drown in it. So that is very difficult to cope with. I have to avoid the news. Avoid social media. I is too Much for my brain to handle. I breaks my heart. It devastates me like I own that pain. And I can’t do that. I have too much pain to manage that I can’t own the pain of the world at the same time. It is too much for me. So I have to just … set aside things I know will be too painful for me. And stay calm as I can. And return to it when I can in smaller doses that I can emotionally handle.
What can I say? I has been a rough year for us all. In an already rough time when we are chronically ill.