This is Pain Awareness month and I will be blogging about that some this month as that is a very important topic to me.
Autumn is coming here soon. I feel the weather cooling. Some of the leaves are turning. It is my favourite season. Not too hot. Not too cold. Perfect.
I feel like emotionally I am working through some crud this year which is slowly improving my self-worth. It has been a long process because the beginning of the year I had a real blow to that self-worth but I realized I shouldn’t let others affect it so. It is mine and mind alone. And it should hold up against others actions. So I needed to work on it. And I have made some headway.
At the same time I feel stagnant and some sort of ennui because I am disabled and isolated. Some days I just feel a little empty. Like my cup just isn’t full enough with this life I have. Yet, I cannot fill it with more because of my current limitations. And I cannot do a thing about my current limitations unfortunately. I just can’t work around, or pace around it, this infernal dizziness and vertigo. I must rest a whole lot every day.
Yet other times I feel fulfilled by my creativity. So maybe I should take solace from that. That I can do my writing and art. And I still have that capacity between all the rest.
My recent watercolour
This year has been a hard one financially and there is nothing I can do about that. My spouse lost his job and was on unemployment for a long time. He recently got a seasonal one which will end soon and be back on it. Even so we struggle to pay the bills. I am trying to get additional social assistance from provincial disability (called AISH in Alberta) but it will take some time if I am approved.
I have been very fatigued. And in a lot of pain. It has been excessively difficult to do minor housekeeping at home. I do one minor thing and it Lays me out. Life is just so exhausting lately. I am not having a pity party about it or anything. It is just a bit of an issue. I try to do something around the house and then I can’t function the rest of the day. Bit problematic. If I want to go out and socialize for a short duration- I have to pre-rest for most of the day.
It is a life of inches. Grueling. But I do not complain. My mood is stable. Mentally I am doing well. But physically functionality is low.
Oh I am tempted by many things. I took some courses and I did them. It was for intellectual stimulation and to help me feel engaged. Which they did. But I am tempted to utilize them for income. I know I would be good at it. I know I would be useful and helpful.
However, to do so I would have to be able to sit upright at the computer at Least 1 hour a day, if not more. I cannot do that. Not without severe dizziness. So… that shot down that thought. Then the extra time and work when I do not have the extra energy from the fatigue that comes from the vertigo. So it is tempting but I have come to the conclusion… unrealistic and not feasible at this time. I just Wish it were.
I am trying to follow my doctor’s directions and exercise but my pain has been running the show. Well, the dizziness and vertigo are massive issues as well but I was going to start with walks. But my leg pain is too much and my foot pain is like walking on fire. So I want to try but at the same time I would really like the pain to be managed at least modestly.
I think is many ways this is a hard year for us all. It is just one thing after another. Financially many people are suffering. Health-wise the same. Some people are not doing well emotionally and mentally. And it just seems like nothing is swinging our way. But it can’t rain every day. Things will eventually change and settle. One way or the other.