With chronic illness comes mourning and grieving. It is natural to have these feelings. I think we all do in the beginning and even later on. It just feels like who we Are isn’t able to manifest fully in the world. All that potential and possibility is halted…

Grieving our former selves
It isn’t uncommon with chronic illness to grieve our former selves. But I have been chronically ill for a lot time. This didn’t apply to me as much when I was younger because I had pain and symptoms from at a young age. Sort of had to adapt a self to fit that. However, as I got older other chronic illnesses jumped on board. And then I would grieve the functionality I had HAD. And what I used to be able to do.
Mourning what we could have been
Most definitely I used to grieve for who I COULD have been. The what if’s of it all. I had to make compromises, which were necessary, but I think about what it would have been like if I had never had chronic pain. Never had to make those choices. What would have things been like?
I grieved for the loss of the life I wanted and the future I desired and cannot have.
I grieved that I cannot do the things that I actually enjoy and fulfill the ambitions that I have.
I grieved for all the potential that was there, but could never come to fruition.
It felt like a loss.
It felt like I was slicing parts of myself out with all the compromises I had to make. Cutting out ambitions. Cutting down possibilities. Cutting out my wants, desires and goals. Narrowing my life down.

Awareness that who I am is more than the vision I had
I don’t feel this way anymore. I am past this stage. I think because I don’t want to be in it. I just wanted to Be. And accept that I can be. And find some contentment with that.
All these could be’s and What if’s are not what actually IS. Life has a way of turning out differently than our expectations all the time. It is all twisty turny. And chronic illness and chronic pain are just one factor that alters my path through life. Many other things have as well.
There is this awareness of accepting who I am now and my current lifestyle and limitations, my current sense of self and self identity… that lets me move within that. What possibilities, goals, desires and wants do I seek in this framework of my existence that are realistic? What are my passions? Desires? Needs? What will improve my quality of life and life satisfaction?
In a way, my view of life when I was younger was far more limited. I wanted a job I was passionate about, yes. But I didn’t think of quality of life, well-being, or life satisfaction. I didn’t think of life and myself as a Whole. Just fragments. This thing. And that thing. And who knows if any of that would have led to any sense of satisfaction? I don’t. I just had a checklist of things I felt would make life complete. And none of it really would have.
This life is Complicated. That is one word for it. Complicated. Health issues are complicated. It’s limitations complicate things. Complicate how I manifest in the world- how I move in the world, how I pursue goals, wants, desires. But I try to adapt to that and work within it. And I find things I am capable of to make new dreams. There is nothing inherently wrong with this path in life. It is different, yes. Society has ‘issues’ with disabilities, for certain. I have meaning and purpose and many valuable things in this life. I have good friends. Good family. Hobbies I am passionate about. Things, like blogging, I value doing.
Just because a life is different and one people do not understand much about doesn’t make it bad. I just stopped thinking about all those infinite alternate realities that just never were and never will be. And I don’t even remember when I stopped doing this. But I did. And I am glad for that because it pained me to think about loss, and this idea that I was in some way a Lack of what I Should be. That isn’t a way I want to think about myself.
See other posts
Can your positive attitude help you achieve your lifestyle goals with chronic illness
The indestructible within
Not miserable? You must not have pain

You are so right, Nikki. It’s hard not to wish that things were different, that you could do all the things you would like to do. Or anything that others consider normal. Some days are so bad, you can’t even do the slightest task. As I get older, other illnesses are added to my chronic migaine and it seems to get worse every day.
Your blog means a lot to me since I know I am not alone. Thank you.
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Thank you… you are definitely not alone.
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Oh, I know that. I have a few migraine friends on FB and I always think about them and you every time I have one. Hugs.
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❤
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Your content is amazing I love this one it’s so real and true
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Thank you so much. I appreciate that.
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Thank you so much.
I really needed this today. I’ve been going through a rough patch and have been mourning my former self a lot lately. I want to move past this and embrace what is. I appreciate your words of encouragement.
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This one can take a bit of time. I suppose that differs for all of us. Took me a bit though. We just have to give it time because the impact on our lives is so insane it is hard not to grieve.
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Hi Nikki, thanks so much for this post. It helps me know that there is hope to pass the grief that I carry over illness and opportunities that will never be there. For me, it is not a linear thing. Sometimes I can move past the grief and concentrate on the now, but other times I slip back into mourning what isn’t. It is the same (for me) as I grieve for people who have passed. Sometimes I have moved on and sometimes I am right back in the thick of it. I think that’s ok, but I like what you say about being free to focus on what you have now.
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Grieving for someone who passed I am not sure we ever entirely get over… sort of comes back and hits us when we least expect it. Or for me it does.
But you are right it isn’t linear. And certainly there were times when I felt like I was doing better or progressing that I tossed that grieving out the window to pursue new ambitions. But that was running from the fact I couldn’t function like I could. So… that was denial for me. I’m bad at doing that. Bit stubborn. I sure hope that one doesn’t come circling around again because, man, I learn a hard lesson with every trip into denial.
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You”re not alone on that denial and stubbornness. 😉
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Hi,
I can relate to so much of your post. I am doing a lot of grieving but still trying to get to where you are. I think you have a lot to be proud of.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
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I think you will get to where I am but I think we all get there at our own pace. And it took me, well, over two decades? So yeah some times for me to get past that stage. And that isn’t saying it won’t happen again, because it very well might.
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I so appreciate your insight. It’s a constant back and forth for me as far as my acceptance and attitude.
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Mine is denial, crash, mourning. Repeat. Until I finally realized I just can’t exceed my limits, so now I don’t crash and so I don’t hit that mourning that I couldn’t do what I Knew I couldn’t Do.
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