It is one hell of a hot summer. Quite a bitter hotter than usual. I imagine most people are taking advantage of this. Most people that are not me, that is.
I have been out of sorts. Not sleeping well. Dizzy and tired. In a bit of a mood lately too because I am so damn tired. Hard to enjoy all this nice weather when I don’t really feel well or able to do much. But slumps like these happen when symptoms are aggravated.
I’ve been wandering along here trying to deal with fatigue, dizziness, vertigo and my chronic pain waiting for some sort of treatment that will eventually come on some indefinite timeline. The more I try to do the worse I get, so that doesn’t seem to help at all.
I definitely caught something this week. I ended up in the ER. All my blood work was wonky with low white blood cell count and high inflammation numbers. And even some anemia according to those numbers. And after a long, long time there I left with a lot of antibiotics based on the ER docs 2 best ‘guesses’ which made me feel so confident in treatment.
I still feel not so great although I should be feeling better by now. I’m sleeping a lot anyway. I will obviously have to mention it to my doctor and see if she concurs with that ER doc or I need to go through more tests. Tests I would rather not do because I have done them all before. Maybe she will concur with the ER doc and I can avoid all that business.
Either way, I literally have no oomph in me. I am utterly exhausted and this fatigue immense. It is really hard to have any motivation to do anything at all.
This is actually something I thought a bit about recently. How I have the habit of compartmentalizing emotions. In a way, it makes them a lot easier to deal with in specific situations. People functionally compartmentalize all the time when they are dealing with work or some other situation and do not have the mental space to deal with another problem that wants to take up space. So we put it to the side. Well, I do that a whole lot with emotions when I feel they will get in the way of interacting with someone or a situation.
However, I wonder sometimes if that is an unhealthy way of dealing with them. I did wonder if maybe I should just freak out and get them out there as that seems very cathartic for other people… but also a way to do and say a whole lot of things you regret. It occurred to me because there was a situation where someone really did me harm emotionally and mentally and like normal I compartmentalized that in order to be polite and deal with her on a social level. And I thought to myself most people would react totally Not that way in the exact same situation.
And when it comes to complex emotions the one major flaw I have is Thinking about my emotions rather than Feeling them. I never really thought much of that distinction until I read about it with others of my personality type. Then I was like, yeah, that is a thing I do and, I guess, I can see how that could be problematic in some situations. And if I have any uncomfortable emotions about situation I sort of shut that down completely, shove them to the side, because I do not want to deal with them. So when it comes time to deal with them I Think about them, review them, understand why I had them, process them and if I bring them up it is this Processed emotion I Discuss. I never in the moment talk about what I feel.
Partly, I understand this is how my personality processes emotions. We filter them through our thought processes. But I do understand our personality’s flaw which is that when we cannot compartmentalize or the emotion is intense, we shut down, shut out, block out in order to cope. And that is not a healthy way to deal with that. I hate it when I do that but at the same time it literally gives me the time I need to process how I feel without interference- because I shut out everyone while doing so.
Anyway, this trait caught my attention in a Personality group I am in because we all do the same sort of thing. When it is healthy and when it is unhealthy.
I think right now I am just focusing a whole lot on rest and self-care out of necessity. I have very little energy, motivation, focus for much right now. And I hope focusing on just recovering a bit will help me cope in the long run.
Since I haven’t been feeling all that well really, I haven’t really been getting out and about. Aside from seeing my doctor way too much. And going to the ER for Way too long.